unfeigned

Sunday, February 05, 2006

i have no idea what i am doing. i have no idea what i am doing here. right now. sitting on this bed. with all that's happened and happening.

my position in life right now is quite unstable. in a multi-faceted manner. personal, financial, educational, emotional. and i could elaborate on each of those but it wouldn't be right, it would be complaining, which is not my intent. it's just the general true statement of the moment. for a while, it seems. so what do i do? i don't fucking know (expressed as such, cause it's all i can say).

it doesn't help that i feel less than motivated to turn the situation in my favor, nor allow myself the psychological advantge of admitting out loud how deep a grave i've dug myself. yes, i realise that i just typed it on a public blog. s'not what i meant. it's just all odd. it's all enough. it's all enough to make me wish my death. yet i don't. bcause in all of these predicaments, with all of these burdens (regardless of how they came about), i haven't been struck down by the Almighty, Himself.

i have air in my lungs. i awake every morning. no life-threatening ailments have been given me. whether or not of my own will, i still live and breathe. for what purpose i've yet to know. but i do realise this. my existence, notwithstanding these hardships, must hold some meaning. and it does. it's become nearly worthless, or of no particular significance at this point, but it's all i ned to be given. lately i've been perplexed with the lack of purpose in my life and lack of drive behind my actions, not knowing what reason i had to get up in the morning, and now i think i understand. it may have been a subconscious thing, or something that i already knew (as previously expounded upon in another post), but it's that i do wake up in the morning; me, alive. it's what get me up in the morning and through each long enduring day.

perhaps i needed a reminder of the real behind reality, or perhaps i had it in for me, but this is my hand. these are the cards i'll learn to play, to bluff with, to methodically utilize so in order to beat the odds.

just. not so sure right now if i'm going to win.

but i'll never fold.