unfeigned

Sunday, October 30, 2005

"all it takes is a little bit of kris and it's over." -- Adam

HA. i wish.. bah. if that were true...meh, i'm not even gonna go there.

so. things have been on the down side as of late. perhaps it is so because of myself. perhaps. but honestly, i would not choose to feel the way i do right now. and i do not choose to continue this masochism. but. it can't seem to be helped.

to somewhat digress from the topic (but not at all), here is a strange occurrence and realisation that came to me. i do not know what i want anymore. plain and simple. i could've sworn that i did, considering i always pretty much know what i want and what i don't. or rather, i always know what i don't, thus allowing me to deduct what i do. anyway, i think it a bit strange and almost comically disturbing that here is something that embodies nearly everything i thought i was looking for, and yet..i want none of it. the thing i believed to be searching for found its way to me at an odd moment in my life -- odd in that it played the role of a test of some sort. and the test results reveal that it was what i wanted, it is what i was looking for, but. it just isn't enough. it threw me off quite a bit. actually, i'm thrown off still. makes me kind of sad too cause.....i've been looking for this for a while..and.........

..i don't want it.


i don't like it. i don't want it. it's no good.

not for me.


and i quote: "now i'm left here dying in the sun." ay, me, ay me..what am i to do with myself. i haven't been myself in a month and it....it concerns me quite a bit.

if i were the type to cry, i believe i would have cried by now.


but no drama. still. that's the one thing i've been able to maintain. no drama, no disruptions, no commotion, no nonsense, nothing from me. i will not have it.


mm, yeah...october...you are not my month this year. for shame, for shame.