unfeigned

Thursday, April 08, 2004

so uh...this kinda sucks, but it's what i turned in. so...yeah..now it's available for viewing. the pamphlet itself makes it look tons better. i'll give you a copy if you want, just lemme know.

War On Love

Looking around, those as young as 6 years old label themselves as couples, calling the girl next door a girlfriend or the nice boy in kindergarten a boyfriend. How this plague begins at such a tender age will go unanswered, but we can provide a feasible solution – incarceration. Love – you know it’s there, you know it hits like a hurricane - you know it’s the cause of all your problems. Support the banning of relationships.

What will love give you if you give love a chance? Will it lead to marriage? Do you wish for an everlasting bond that can only be broken by filing for divorce? What then? For thousands of years our planet has been blindly taken in by this vile epidemic of love and declaration of commitment to another human – it is high time this issue is addressed.

To provide full satisfaction and genuine happiness among humans, it is time for the global prohibition of this rapid spread of relationships. This disease thrives on raw emotion, passion, and even at times obsession, and no sooner engulfs its unknowing prey into a sea of disillusion than a fat kid consuming cake. It is ever so disheartening to see those poor people fall victim to superfluous obligations and nonsensical duties to a partner or companion. We must put an end to having our innocent caught in the web of those with judgment already altered, morality distorted, and blasphemous words of adoration, violently stinging more of us each day; these hand-holding, fire-side-cuddling, Valentine-giving, so-called lovers must be stopped.

Our dirty, rotten, love-proclaiming scoundrels are identified simply as individuals with the ambition to spread this virus among the remaining healthy lot of us. Having become so devastated by the love epidemic, their depth perception is greatly obscured, causing them to view relationships as emotionally enriching, fun and exciting, and heaven forbid, essential for living. It takes little brain movement for an undereducated grade school dropout to comprehend how prosaic and uninspiring they are. Yet, despite the fact that common sense clearly proves relationships will never bring any positive facets in life, these love hounds ceaselessly argue the opposed. Allow me, then, to divulge the straight facts.

First and foremost, let me remind you that these are all petty instances aroused by relationships that have never had any sort of realistic solution, until now. Without yet acknowledging the mentally disturbed, it can be assuredly stated that relationships are a complete waste of time. Days, sometimes months are spent through the dim-witted ritual of courting and all without redemption. I doubt it will ever faze me as to why human beings would place themselves through such an excruciating process as this; only to be trapped with one person for God knows how long. Who really wants to stay with another person for longer than 2 hours? It would drive the two certifiably mad. As far as the popular misapprehension among the afflicted, communication barriers are in fact created rather than torn down. The unspoken language of “love” does little more than prove that it should remain unspoken. Relationships are unions held together by bona fide treachery and betrayal, which only fuel intolerance and indicates its needless function as a bigotry enhancer. Unique attributes do not abound from these worldly entities – there is nothing in a relationship that cannot be found around a street corner from a steadfast prostitute. Another myth I have difficulty in even believing could be one of the popular myths is the bundle of surprises allegedly ascertained by these hallucinating lovers. Let us be rational! It is nothing more than a barrel of predictability! The only surprise, if any, that may be received from taking part in this inane charade is a temporary feeling of satisfaction (perhaps even sexual gratification, if you are that lucky) that inevitably ends in yet more pointless quarrels. A vicious cycle, it is. Now, perhaps the most difficult argument I am faced with is the necessity of love and intimacy for happiness. This may not be repeated by anyone other than I, so listen, and listen well. People do not need other people to need them; therefore they cannot claim to complete one another. The puzzle piece analogy is a sham at all angles, the best comparison to these distasteful “bonds” would be as a muddled pile of five-year-old papers that we will “sort out” when we have time. It is unconstructive and futile for any human to try and make one work, as it is the epitome of emotional depression and discontentment.

If it were not for the cause of this anti-love/anti-relationship organization, billions more would be lured by the outspread of transient ecstasy brought upon by love. To think that these impetuous love-stricken criminals have been with impunity for so long strikes a shrill twinge of terror down my spine.

Is it really any wonder that our world has been corrupted and taken over by these dreamers of love, when so few know of its consequences? Our young adults these days do not understand that being honest with another person about feelings and emotions only results in separating the bond of human kind. Their minds have not yet matured enough to realize that there is no practical reason behind affirming devotion to, or fondness of another human being. We cannot rely on our children to be the future if they do not acquire proper knowledge at an early age. What they absorb visually greatly affects the growth of their minds, and we all know how much kids love television. Those innocent Disney movies, alone, promote negative and faulty information with characters, ranging from humans to lions, falling in love and living happily ever after. And let us not forget the music: conditioning our youth with lyrics that say “Can you feel the love tonight?” or “When did you last let your heart decide?” cannot seriously be considered as mere childhood entertainment. As always, work from the bottom to make it on top. The best way of ridding our future of any more problems caused by love is to begin with the proper education, initiating with adolescents.

In aversion of future pain provoked by cutting words (i.e. “I love you,” “I miss you,”), those who continue to use them will be fined as seen fit. First-degree offenses include phrases such as, “I like you,” or “Are you free for a movie?” or any other variation of “Will you go out with me” and, depending upon existence of eye and/or physical contact, are punishable by a minimum $350 fine along with 168-hour community service. Repetition of this offense is classified under a Class A misdemeanor under the terms of indecent exposure and must be punished by a minimum fine of $4,000 and/or confinement in jail for a term not to proceed one year. Mind, we are not violating any human rights laws, as all punishments include (a minimum) 4 days every week for at least 6 months of mental health help sessions that are affiliated with the rehabilitation center. Second-degree offenses are comprised of public displays of affection (holding hands, hugging, kissing non-strangers, et cetera), blatant flaunting of an existing relationship, refusal to commit sexual acts with peculiar, unfamiliar persons, and others of the like. Those accused of this offense will lawfully be provided a right to public ridiculing and may be given the opportunity to win participation in the monthly stoning hosted by Nick Lache and Jessica Simpson. Standard trying procedures apply and those found guilty face possible death penalty. Third-degree offenses deal mostly with repeat delinquents, but involve further violations of independent rights that have not been previously stated. Third recurrence in the first-degree and any replication of second and third degree misdemeanors will then require felons to be treated under the rehabilitation facility for however long is necessary to cure this afflicted scumbag, and trials will further be viewed as par with murder.

Our purpose, friends, our very meaning on this earth is not to be creatures practicing the act of possessing such fraud things as relationships. We are the wiser organisms on this planet, and we should endure in conquering as we have been. Authorizing intimate relationships in this day and age is the worst we could do. Through rehabilitation, these once-were-criminal people will be cured of this abominable ailment. Since there is no medical cure we have specially designed orders of operations to rid bodies of love. First-degree repeat offenders take part in therapy sessions with our highly qualified doctors, conducted tests on behaviour, and 6-hour long revitalization procedures, in which the patient is comfortably secured on a flatbed, and is provided with auditory and visual indoctrination. This process is the most common and widely affective in stunning the patient into a stupor. Rehabilitation is required for all prosecuted violators due to the severe damage that visions of love implement upon them. Fear not, for this is only the beginning. We have merely scratched the surface of solution. Imagine the world restored as the loveless, wondrous place it ought to be. With prospective solutions as these, I tell you: it can be done.