i couldn't leave, even when i left myself.

if things are allowed to be, then suppose i will.

though not so much "properly" concluded, as sloppily precluded from a normalcy that once was, surprisingly, this justified decision has me ill at ease. if it were any other, the task at hand would be snappy and through before you could say, "adios," but, alas. all too often the most difficulty lies between distinguishing desires and needs, of which i've much grown weary to even think twice before this deed. candidly, i declare having no single desire for this, while fearing a need must be the case. then here am i perplexed with the question of, "what need?" hand-in-hand with "for?" and "why?" trailing not far behind.

i tried to lend myself my ear, but all i could hear was my own silence. i tried to take a gander, although my eyes insist on being closed. i tried to project my voice to the heavens, then realised for this i know no words.

regardlessly, i am amazed.

you glimpse your strength and weakness when leaving means leaving, and you won't be the first to go.

so begin an end.

have the roots been contaminated? that the question was posed at all makes me cringe.

ah, also. in its flailing defense, who's to say what's worth this time? of yours? of mine? of theirs?

that's an easy one.

i even left myself.

anyway, there are some changes to be made, some changes made already, and some other things untampered that will soon be caught in a hurricane, and this is good.

based on a recent excursion stemming from spontaneity and curiosity, a decision has yet been made. previously, i'd been under the assumption that one could be chosen upon arrival, however, my sentiments restrain the natural flow of order that should be taking place. a weakness, perhaps? a--hesitation of sorts. but surely, when the week begins anew things will be properly concluded.

on the other hand, my pruning shears beckon.

and so many fallen leaves reveal countless bare branches.

my only regret would be if the roots are/become contaminated.

of all the things you could possibly be right about sarcastically predicting the outcome of, and of all the many times you could have done so, you've only done this twice, and you came out right both times. what the hell, woman?

that kills.

anyway. i can't get motherfuckin sleep. i dozed off around 230 and just opened my eyes again around 345. my eyes sting and my body's exhausted, but damn it if i can't sleep. used to have a fairly effective option, but that's long since been gone. okay, not gone entirely. i suppose that also worsens it then. the option itself has not disappeared, but something that probably doesn't concern me directly, has. and for something not concerning me, it surely is doing quite a number.

there are stories i could tell. updates on my life i could whip up. rants i could continue for hours. but for some reason, all i really felt like saying on this thing is: people do not grow on me. i do not tolerate so much that it gets to the point where i can admit that i'm comfortable with an individual because i simply got used to them/their presence/essence/other. people do not grow on me, because i can't let them bear less than they're worth. my caring for them (or in general), on the other hand, does (can/has/etc) grow. and it's because of this that i'm able to discover at least that portion of another individual's depth and excitement i'd have otherwise disregarded multiple times before as a supposed norm.

bottom line: i grow fonder, as we grow on. neither one on the other, but growing and fonder.


that's all i have to say about that.

ah. so i've been somewhat aloof from the world. well, i've been so from the world i once knew. so for a bit of an update, here i am.

for a few months now i've been based in college station, and don't quite know for how long to follow. i imagine i'll be moving on from here sooner than later, perhaps back to houston, perhaps elsewhere, time will tell. i've only recently been able to find a stable connection, so my presence will likely be sporatic. with all the time not spent dawdling through internet-related toil, my music's been progressing, as has my craving for knowledge and studies. so reading and writing and computing random things and tinkering with car mechanics have been a part of my daily life as of late.

otherwise, i really have no further news, i suppose. anything more and refer to me yourself.

it's frustrating when you fully understand the concept, but fail to execute properly.

wheeeeeeee! happy happy joy joy. wow..that's a ren and stimpy reference...anyway, good stuff. good, good, good.

lesson 1.
damn the consequences.

lesson 2.
abide by lesson 1.